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SAMPLE ESSAY COACHING #1

The essay arrived to me as follows:

Growing up my mom used to coach field hockey at Bedford High School at the junior varsity level. I would always attend her practice and games but I never really knew what field hockey was, I just felt cool going.

As I got older the sport began to become more interesting, but the middle school I was attending didn’t offer field hockey as a sport. As my mom continued to coach field hockey I continued to learn more and more from attending her games and practices. My mom and I would always go out in our backyard and hit ball around until I couldn’t bend over anymore. She taught me everything I needed to know about field hockey.

When I started to attend Bedford High School as a freshmen my mom made the decision to retire from coaching because she didn’t think it was appropriate to coach her own daughter. Soon after tryouts came along, I worked as hard as I could all week to impress the varsity coach. Finally the varsity coach made her final decision on what the teams should be. She went along the line and told everyone whether they made varsity of jv. As she was approaching me I felt excited nervous and anxious all at the same time, because I knew that I had worked so hard but I knew other girls were working just as hard as I was. Then she finally got to me and she told me that I was on varsity as a freshmen. I ended up being the only freshmen that made varsity that year.

I continued to work hard through practices and games. We practiced every day from three to five every day except when we had games. Even though I was devoted to field hockey completely I still managed to receive good grades and a steady job. My practicing paid off because I eventually worked my way up to starting line, as a freshmen. As a year passed and now I was a sophomore I continued to star t and then eventually started to play the whole game. Another year passed and I continued to learn new things from camps, my mom and my coach. I was now a junior and one of the best players in the team. When junior year ended, I was chosen to be captain for my senior year along with two other girls. As a captain senior year I became a leader, I was looked up to by the underclassman. I always felt good when we won games because I felt that I lead my team to victory. This year has been one of the better years for field hockey we went up against extremely hard teams and did good. The team and I have worked extremely hard to get where I am now.

Both my Junior and Senior year I received the first team DCL All-star award. This meant that I was one of best players on the team and that the other coaches in our league noticed. Receiving both of these awards in my junior and senior years was very important to me and it hard showed that all my hard work had actually paid off .

Playing field hockey made me realize that when you work hard you can achieve anything. Six years ago when I first picked up a stick I never realized that I would be DCL all-star for two years and a captain my senior year.

The essay left my office with improved sentence structure, better verbs, more colorful descriptions, demonstration of a problem the student had solved, and clearer depiction of her expertise relating to her topic:

Ten years ago, when I first picked up a field hockey stick, I never expected that I would make the Varsity team as a freshman, be a DCL All-Star for two years and a captain my senior year. My introduction to field hockey began at age seven, when my mom coached field hockey at Bedford High School at the Junior Varsity level. I would always attend her practices and games, but I never really knew what field hockey was; I just felt cool going.

As I got older the sport began to interest me, but my middle school didn’t offer field hockey. I continued to learn more and more from attending my mom’s games and practices. In addition, my mom and I would go out in our backyard and hit the ball around until I couldn’t bend over anymore. Three things that she taught me were how to dribble the ball, dodge a player while still dribbling, and drive the ball as well as I can today.  One time the ball went so far into the woods it took my mom almost five minutes to retrieve it; from this point on we knew I was going to be good at driving the ball.

When I started to attend Bedford High School as a freshman, my mom decided to retire from coaching. She didn’t think it was appropriate to coach her own daughter even though she coached JV and I already knew I wanted to try for Varsity. Soon tryouts began, and I worked as hard as I could all week to impress the Varsity coach. Finally she made her decision regarding who would join the team. She lined us all up on the field and told each of us one at a time whether we made Varsity or JV. As she approached me I felt excited, nervous and anxious all at the same time. I knew that I had worked so hard for this, but I also knew that other girls had worked just as hard as I had. When she finally got to me, she told me that I had made Varsity! I ended up being the only freshman that made Varsity that year.

I continued to work hard throughout practices and games. Even though I was completely devoted to field hockey, I still managed to receive good grades and keep a steady job at the local CVS. My diligence on the field paid off because I eventually worked my way up to starting line as a freshman. When I was a sophomore, I continued to start and then eventually ended up playing the whole game most of the time. By junior year, I had continued to learn new things from summer camps, my coach, and my mom, who went to all my games and still advised me now and then. I was one of the best players on the team, which was really a great feeling.

When junior year ended, the underclassmen chose me to be one of three captains for our senior year. As captain this year, I became a leader; I was looked up to by all the underclassmen. I was always happy when we won games because I felt that I had led my team to victory.

While I was captain my senior year, however, something annoying happened. Some of the juniors on the team decided to plan a team dinner without telling the captains, but most of the seniors, including the captains, were unavailable that evening. This offended me and the other captains, so we confronted them and told them that scheduling team dinners was the captains’ decision. In a way it was sort of our faults for not stepping up and making these decisions in the first place. However, the outcome was good because we became more involved captains, learned from this experience, and became more bonded as a team. As a result, this year has been one of the better years for our field hockey team. We went up against extremely difficult teams and did better than usual.

Both my Junior and Senior year I received the First-Team DCL All-Star Award. This meant that I was one of the best players on the team and that the other coaches in our league had noticed. Receiving both of these awards in my junior and senior years was very important to me. It showed that all my hard work these past years had actually paid off. Playing field hockey has helped me realize that when I work hard, I can achieve anything.


Mindy Pollack-Fusi/College Essay Coaching
781-275-7301   mindy@mindypollack.com